Ultraq's Final MooCow - Writing

Man found tied to streetlight naked

LightninUltraq@Netscape.net (Emanuel Rabina) — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 06:00:00 -0500

A day at the office

LightninUltraq@Netscape.net (Emanuel Rabina) — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 07:00:00 -0500

Hi all,

We had Michael's drinks a couple nights ago, welcoming the guy back to NZ. I got to talking with Claire then, and just started telling her something new with me, to which she replied, "Yeah, Melissa was telling me that." So I tried talking about something else, and after my first sentence Claire said "Melissa told me about that too."
Somewhere in the passed few months, Melissa has somehow become privy to the goings-on in my life. Now that I think about it, the reason might be the e-mails she sends during work to those of us nearby (Glen, Sam, and myself) at our own work, asking how our weekends were, how we've been doing, and more recently, telling us that she's back at work because work keeps sending her sick self home. My natural inclination is to respond, and just blab.
Melissa then takes what I say, relays it to Claire, Richard, Sheree, etc... and so the next time I see anybody, they already know what I'm going to say before I say it.
And now I've become an open book.

Some parts are read more than others, with the chapters to do with my work as a computer programmer being largely unread. It's not that programming is difficult to understand, but the profession has done well to surround itself with it's own cryptic language of acronyms, ridiculous product names, and words that even in the right context need some explaining.
So, in my effort to bring non-programmers in to understanding what it is I do, I've recorded one of my weeks at work, selected the more important events, and mashed it all together to form the words you'll find below (don't worry, there's no actual programming involved).

This is my story.

McDonalds Seared Chicken Burger

LightninUltraq@Netscape.net (Emanuel Rabina) — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 06:00:00 -0500

I was walking home with my dad one day, and he told me about how he tried the new McDonalds Seared Chicken Burger for lunch. Although with his 99%-complete English, the word 'seared' came out as 'shared'.

"What? Shared burger?"
"No, sheared."
"Huh? Like sheep shearing?"
"No, sheaared."

So it went like that for about 2 minutes before I finally resolved the dispute with my mind-reading powers.

Anyway, one of his claims was that the burger had a strong odour, not a bad one, but one similar to perfume. He said that the smell was strong enough that it actually distracted him as he ate it.

That's a pretty strong claim. I mean, McDonalds smells like McDonalds, right? So at work the next week, I freed-up my lunch time, dialed my nose up to 11, and went over to McDonalds to see/smell for myself.

In memory of

LightninUltraq@Netscape.net (Emanuel Rabina) — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 06:00:00 -0500

Hi all,

This here will be the 5th story e-mail I've sent, meaning I've been doing this for just over a year now. For those of you who are new or haven't managed to read 1-4, I keep an archive of these things up on my website in the Writing section: http://www.ultraq.net.nz/
Speaking of websites, most of you probably already know that Simon Gow got his own website and domain name, making him the only other person I know with this site/domain combo. So go hit his site and give him some loving (in the form of comments) at http://www.simongow.com/

In other news, I've finally bowed to peer pressure and got myself a Facebook account (arg I feel dirty already). You can thank Gow for that one.
Ooo, and unless you've already seen it, check out (the trailer for) Minsweeper: The Movie - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHY8NKj3RKs

Sheree/Lydia: you can forward this to your friends who were seated at the same table as me/us. I've sufficiently embarrassed myself through these e-mails with my own age group that any additional shame would just feel like drops in the ocean for me.

Let the humiliation begin.

By request

LightninUltraq@Netscape.net (Emanuel Rabina) — Tue, 03 Jul 2007 07:00:00 -0500

Hey there everyone,

First of all: 1 SECOND OMFG!!! I can't believe this.

Now that's out of the way: with the last e-mail I tried to get it done by Melissa's birthday. That failed horriblly and it was completed 2-and-a-bit weeks later. This time around, Claire's birthday was the target, yet I'm about 2 weeks early. I would make a horrible project manager.
So why Claire's birthday you ask? Well, if you read on, you will discover that she specifically requested this story. And with her birthday not too far away, I thought why not get some of that hot two-birds-with-one-stone action?

But before I start, some advanced apologies:

Matthew, please don't kill me
Janna, please don't kill me
Sheree, please don't get killed

So here it is Claire (and everybody else), your e-mail - disguised as a very very early birthday present and e-mail to the overseas guys.
Happy birthday / 4th of July.

The day the Internet died

LightninUltraq@Netscape.net (Emanuel Rabina) — Mon, 02 Apr 2007 07:00:00 -0500

Hi all,

It's been 4 months since I last wrote, so it's about time for another e-mail.

I really tried to get this out by Melissa's birthday (mid March), but no matter how hard I tried, the e-mail just wouldn't finish itself. I would've liked to use the excuse that the creative process doesn't lend itself lightly to deadlines, but that just makes me sound like some sort of pompous try-hard artist. Whereas I'm actually just an amateur imitator whose time management skills seem to have gone out the door lately.
So instead, this has turned into an Easter e-mail.

Work gave everyone Easter chocolate earlier this week, and we were all glad to see that it wasn't expired chocolate like those M&Ms they dished-out at Christmas. Our project manager in the states was also nice enough to allocate money for a team lunch, meaning I had a free lunch today. It's amazing how much more I eat when someone else is paying.
I also pre-ordered the last Harry Potter book, saving me $17. I can't believe it's gonna be a $50 book. I guess I should just stick to the library like I usually do. The books I've been getting from the library lately seem to be lacking a lot of the cool sarcasm which I've liked using in these e-mails. I feel it's kinda impacted the style of this one, and if this keeps up I may have to do something completely different the next time.

But until then, it's the same deal as last time: I've presented some actual events from the passed few weeks in a narrative style similar to the books I'm reading at the moment. The intended audience are those who are overseas, but if your name gets dropped in the story you're on the CC list. As for everyone else, I guess I like you enough to believe that you won't go hunting me down for cluttering your inbox with 20KB worth of text :)
Oh yeah, I've been saving all of these stories to my website, so if you've missed any you can read all of the other ones I've written, if you're so inclined: http://www.ultraq.net.nz/Content?Page=Writing&Subject=Stories

Happy Easter everyone.

The obligatory Christmas e-mail

LightninUltraq@Netscape.net (Emanuel Rabina) — Sun, 17 Dec 2006 05:00:00 -0600

Hi all,

So I thought it'd be nice to write something to the overseas people before Christmas comes along.

Since nobody said that the first story e-mail sucked, I thought I'd try it once again. Like last time, the events presented here actually happened, but not necessarily in the order shown. If you're in the CC list, then you've probably been mentioned in the story (although there are a lot of exceptions now). Once again, there were other events which I wanted to include, but just couldn't work into the story: lunch with Lydia, shopping for Christmas presents in the rain, visiting Janna's work on my birthday and on her birthday, tracking-down Tauvaga, and Matthew's Uncle Chang's night. And just like last time, make sure you have some spare time, a cup of coffee, or aren't too busy with work, before starting to read.

By the time most of you get this, it'll hardly be a week until December 25. Most of you are probably already celebrating. If work is going to be anything like it was last year, nothing will get done this week: there'll be lots of morning teas, lots of Christmas hams, and because of the half-day nature of Friday, our team leader will ask us to "be creative" with this week's timesheets :)

But before I continue, I'm going to blatantly plug my latest picture, here:
http://www.ultraq.net.nz/Display?Type=Wallpapers&Show=ShelterFromTheStorm

Merry Christmas everybody.

Four weeks in one day

LightninUltraq@Netscape.net (Emanuel Rabina) — Sun, 08 Oct 2006 06:00:00 -0500

Hi Sarah, Melissa, Nigel, and everyone I've CC'd,

This e-mail was originally intended for those who are overseas and send me e-mails every-now-and-then, especially asking how those of us still in NZ are doing. I've been reading too many books recently, and it's warped my thoughts to mimic the narrative style used in those books. So I thought I'd write a sort of story e-mail - might be kinda fun to do - and most of the characters in it are some of the people in the CC list who I thought might like to know the kinds of things I write about them :)

The events presented in this e-mail are drawn from several days over the passed few weeks, brought together to create what seems like a very eventful day in total. There were so many other things I wanted to talk about too, like the movies with Matthew and Simon, running into Max as I came out of McDonalds, or talking with Trudie about how 'old' she feels (one of old 4th formers Sarah). Unfortunately, those events didn't work well in the story. That, and there are some people I can describe much more easily than others. Maybe for a sequel?

I hope you have a lot of time free. There's an essay's worth of reading ahead.

ISO Labelling Scheme Abandoned Due To Limited Vocabulary

LightninUltraq@Netscape.net (Emanuel Rabina) — Wed, 30 Apr 2003 07:00:00 -0500

Rexona, Pantene, Dove, and Colgate Announce Mega-Merger

LightninUltraq@Netscape.net (Emanuel Rabina) — Wed, 30 Apr 2003 07:00:00 -0500

Known Tawa Stalker Fights-Back Against Anti-Stalker Sentiments

LightninUltraq@Netscape.net (Emanuel Rabina) — Mon, 31 Mar 2003 06:00:00 -0600

NukeZone Clan Receives Guinness World Records Mention

LightninUltraq@Netscape.net (Emanuel Rabina) — Mon, 31 Mar 2003 06:00:00 -0600

Anti-Asian Conspiracy Group Awarded US Funding Grants

LightninUltraq@Netscape.net (Emanuel Rabina) — Fri, 31 Jan 2003 05:00:00 -0600