Rexona, Pantene, Dove, and Colgate Announce Mega-Merger
Rexona (famous for its line of anti-perspirants), Pantene (famous for their shampoo and assorted hair-care products), Dove (for their philosophy of maintaining healthy skin), and Colgate (known for its monopoly on the toothpaste department), have banged heads together to come up with the "ultimate personal hygiene product", according to market analysts.
"This merger will reduce an entire supermarket isles to a mere shelf." says Darren McMahon, executive chairman of the new, as yet unnamed, company. "It spells the end of having to select from multiple products to get the results you want. Now you can smell pleasant, have wonderful flowing hair, gentle moisturized skin, while maintaining that shimmering smile, all in one. And what's even better, it'll only be the price of your average bottle of shampoo. To coin a commonly used phrase, it's the 'one personal hygiene product to rule them all'."
Happy with the news, supermarket shoppers are now looking forward to reduce their shopping lists dramatically. Shoppers we surveyed said the following:
"Sure, it's not every hygiene product, but it saves a lot of space on my list and trolley by sticking it all into one."
"This is going to be great! OK, I'm not all for monopolies, but anything that conveniences my day-to-day living has got to be good."
Rival companies are understandably skeptical.
"I don't see this working." said Simon Kryzcehk, employee and spokesperson of the Macleans brand.
"Is a consumer ever going to be happy without competition to give them a choice? What about implementation? How is it going to be a shampoo, soap, toothpaste, and deodorant at the same time?"
Bitter at having been left out of the negotiation table for the merger, his company continued to argue that the aforementioned companies had a hidden agenda.
"Hidden agenda?" said Darren McMahon in response to the claim. "If there's any sort of hidden agenda, it's trying to come up with a name for the thing!" he said in a jovial tone.
Further research of the merging companies revealed that each one had a history of being in the Guinness Book Of World Records (97-03) for the category of 'Longest Product Name'. Now, looking to break the record, inside sources have hinted that the name of the product will be:
'The [company name] 24-hour intensive, hypo-allergenic, anti-perspirant deodorant with time-release vitamin-E organic nutrients and 12-hour shield of protection conditioner 6 in 1/4 moisturizing lotion whitening, for men.'
A product aimed specifically at women will be launched early July.