Anti-Asian Conspiracy Group Awarded US Funding Grants
In an unprecedented move that would upset the relations between the US and the Asian continent, senator Al Gore put the idea before the senate and gave his motion for approval.
Secret tapes taken from the meeting quote Gore calling the Asian people "small", "yellow", "useless at English", and "a drawback to the US economy".
Further sources have revealed that Senator Caption was the first to back the motion, continuing Gore's Asian-bashing comments with sentences reminiscent of right-wing separatist groups and the 3rd Reich.
"These guys just don't get it!" he said. "You'd think that... immigration laws would deter these [people] from entering our country. But they come by the boatload; we arrest them, and send them back! And... they just keep coming!"
"What the good Senator fails to realize, is that there are billions of Asians, and that different people come with different boats." said a renowned professor at Michigan State.
"Gah, they all look the same to me." replied Caption.
The group receiving the cash injection, 'the Guys who Hate Asian Youth' Group (acronym GHAY.), is astonished by the sudden decision. "Wow! We're abso-fuckin'-lutely ecstatic! It's time to give those squinty-eyed punks a push back to the seas, or at least their home countries." commented Hugh G. Rection, founder of GHAY's Anti-Asian Policy.
When asked about the origins of their name, Mr Rection said, "Well, it started when... I was young. These Asian kids kept stealing all the maths questions, which I was supposed to answer. I felt our 3rd grade victory was wrongfully stolen from us. And so, the group started with young Asians. Then as I grew older, I realized that there were older Asians too, but our members thought a name change would be too difficult.
"We had 'Move Away Now Heinous Orientals' (acronym MANHO), but just felt it didn't have the same ring to it."
What was even more surprising was the time spent approving the motion. In a record 10 minutes, the unanimous decision was reached.
"Sure, we first thought, 'Gee, this might not go down so well with the people', but then we realized, 'Heck, we don't really need Asians do we?'" said Senator Mornutz.
The Asian people feel they have been betrayed.
"Why they do this to us? We not harm them wrong?' said a saleswoman in NYC Chinatown, before men in black suits drove by and escorted her into their limousine.
"Those plicks will feel fire! Death to America!" shouted a passer-by.
"Kekekekekekeke ^_^." said a Korean in an undecipherable language.
Professor of Asian Studies at Harvard, Mr FatRightArm, has cried outrage.
"The Asian people diversify our culture. Not only with their roots in the past of the Earth, but inventions by Asians have especially allowed America and other nations to grow: affordable family cars, home entertainment centres, Playstation2, but to name a few."
We decided also to ask the American people what they thought of the issue:
"Well, it's a pretty sensitive issue. But I think the senate did what was best for the American people. After all, look at China's Olympic team! If they can't win a gold in 1 event, they throw 1,000 more entries into the other categories. We can't win against the numbers game."
"I agree with the professor, when he said that Asians diversify our culture. Thanks to them, Nike can reduce overheads with mass labour, and American red-light districts have never had so much variety and choice! Asia! Number 1!" with a fist clenched and thumb pointing upwards.
Professor Smalldick of Yale had more to say on the issue:
"What I don't understand is, where was the president? Why didn't he veto the movement?"
When we brought up Professor SmallDick's questions with the chairman of the senate, he told EM News that the President wasn't there.
"Did we remember to invite him? Crumby!" as he turned to his assistant chimpanzee. "Did Crumbypoo you make a booboo with the invites again?"
The whereabouts of Bush remained a mystery. Unconfirmed reports say that a life-sized puppet of George Dubya was put in his seat, and that a midget in a black cape controlled and spoke in the Presidents' stead.
"It was like a scene from Thunderbirds: mouth moving, but none of the usual crap that just keeps coming out. I wondered why nobody noticed that."
EM News decided to contact President Bush. When our field reporters finally got hold of him, he insisted "We must invade Iraq."
We brought forward all our pro-Asian sentiments (gathered from 1013 various Americans surveyed on the issue) to Senator Gore. After reading through them all, he replied, "Pfft, what a load of crap! These Asian's bring disease too did you know? I mean, have you heard of Japanese Smallpox? Well, neither did the American people, until the Japanese came along! Point taken, but I retain my original decision. Hail HITLER!' as he raised his arm stiff into the air.
Hitler was unavailable for comment.